Monday, 12 January 2009

• a return to form

  wow, it has been a good half year since i last wrote an entry.  so much has happened, and yet at the same time, nothing really new.  i've been meaning to write new entries... one of which was a story that i wanted to tell before i forgot it.  it's starting to get fuzzy already, but it's just so long that i never got around to it.  maybe now i'll do it, since i can't remember half the stuff--i'll type up the abridged version.  maybe.
  
  in the meantime, what spurred this entry in the first place?  it's 4am on a sunday night/monday morning, on my first day of my last semester of school (potentially) ever.  i can't sleep.  am i anxious?  nervous?  bored?  i don't know.  but i figured why not, i'll just tell the world that i'm up at 4am.
  
  i guess now that the end of the "school" chapter of my life is coming into focus, i'm starting to wonder and worry about other things.
  
  like work.  it really signifies the end of the "school" chapter and the start of a new one.  the grass is always greener on the other side, and the one thing i really want right now is job security--to have something ready for me when i graduate.  oh how nice it would be to have a job lined up for me..... i wonder what kind of work i'd be doing though...
  
  like dating/marriage.  yeah i rarely think about this.  but i think i've started seriously thinking about it now.  probably also because several people have been talking about these things w/ me recently.  that, and the fact that people are getting married left and right.  but usually this ends up in the realm of wondering what kind of person i'd marry
  
  like friends.  well to clarify... future relationships with current friends.  i am horrible at keeping in touch.  i am very much an "out of sight, out of mind" type of person.  but i like to think about how cool it would be to live near people i know in the future... how our families would interact... go on camping trips together, etc.
  
  like graduation.  i know it's for the parents, but i hate the idea of it because it's long and boring.  i also usually don't like to have attention to myself (usually, but not always).  those are the things that i tell myself.  but i know that the real reason... is that i don't feel a sense of completion or triumph from a graduation ceremony.  instead, it's a reminder of how i failed... failed to stand out... failed to have special tassels and other fancy stuff all over my graduation gown... failed to be the "top" student that my parents wanted and trained me to be.  graduation ceremonies make me feel ashamed of how i didn't study hard enough (i really didn't), didn't have my priorities straight (i really didn't), and so on.  strange, isn't it?  that a guy as lazy as me still has such a fervent "must be #1" mentality embedded into my brain.  not enough to drive me to study 24/7... yet enough to ruin my self-esteem.  well... that's enough ranting about that.  it was a lot more than i wanted to say... actually the real reason i mentioned graduation is because as much as i dislike having to go through it... i must admit... it does feel nice to hear friends ask about when it is and whether they can get a ticket or not... friends who i have been horrible at keeping in touch with... friends who have to make a long trip just to sit through a boring graduation for someone they haven't hung out w/ in months or years.  i can't help but compare the relationships i've built in davis and san jose to the ones here in san diego... and it makes me long for deeper relationships here.  either people are totally different here, or i just suck at making friends.  probably the latter.  i seem to be more "serious" now and lack the humor and wit of days gone by...
  
  okay so it's pretty late... and what was supposed to be a quick 5 sentence entry has, in typical eddy fashion, turned into a long-winded entry completely off tangent.  i guess i'll stop now before anything else comes out.  who knows... maybe this is the start of more frequent xanga entries.  if so, then you'll get some juicier entries... and not just a "here's what i've been up to" update.  maybe some jokes, maybe some stories, maybe some poignant observations, maybe some random tidbits.  don't worry, they won't all be like this entry.  this one was just totally spur of the moment.  i mean, when i said i've been thinking about this stuff, i mean like in the past week... maybe like an hour or two tops.  it only came out because it was the last thing i talked about w/ Chris before i drove down to SD today
  
  4:44am.  good night.  i think.
  
  

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