Monday, 28 July 2008

• a dream for some, a nightmare to others

  sunday night.  clock blinking 7:43pm.  food coma.  i think to myself, "it's okay if i sleep early.  i have to wake up early for work anyways."
  
  fast forward to my wedding day.  what the, seriously?  yes, seriously.  life is blazing by a mile a second.  the venue is set; the people are gathering.  friends old and new surround me, congratulating me, and mingling for a few before gathering to their seats.
  
  in the bathroom (and it isn't just any old bathroom... it's all nice and fancy and huge, with couches and a TV not unlike at Brandon's wedding), i'm getting ready to change into the tux laid out before me.  groomsmen pop in, beads of sweat rolling down their faces, trying to make my big day as smooth and easy as possible.
  
  "what do we wear?"
  
  i'm at a loss for words.  "i don't know.  that's up to the bride.  she should have selected something."
  
  "oh, that's right.  okay."
  
  crisis averted.
  
  the tux fits perfectly.  i look good.  very important on an important day like this.  the groomsmen continue to be supportive, and aimlessly comment about how lucky i am.  things are definitely going smoothly.  i feel so at ease, without a care in the world.
  
  i hear off in the distance, "so i just wanted to clarify, where am i supposed to stand?  how are we doing this?"
  
  once again, thoughts hit a wall.  "i don't know, actually.  whatever happened at rehearsal.  that's up to the bride.  she should know."
  
  second crisis averted.
  
  perspire.  sweat.  make water come out from underneath my skin.  whatever you want to call it, i start doing it.  everything is ready, all the pieces of the puzzle are set in place.  i have some time to myself, and my mind wanders.  contemplates.  and i begin to worry.  "is she the one for me?  is this who i'm going to marry?"
  
  an unnerving realization begins to wash over me.
  "wait... what was her name?  .....i can't remember...
  ....what does she look like?  why can't i remember.....
  how did we first meet?"
  
  finally, i have an answer.  "remember, idiot.  somebody came up to you and said that [indecipherable] was interested in you, and wanted to marry you.  and you said 'really?  that's great.  okay.'"
  
  "oh no.  no, no, no, no, no.  how did it come to this?  what happened all this time?  how do i not know who she is?  i must have dated her at least ONCE, right?"  my mind draws a blank.
  
  "how can i possibly marry someone without even knowing what their name is?  i don't know what she looks like--i can't even pick her out of the crowd of people here!  but what can i do?"
  
  indeed, what could i do?  everything was already in place.  the pieces were set in motion.  the torrent had begun to flow, and like the waves of the ocean exploding against the weathered rocks of a hillside cliff, the only possible solution would bring everything to a crashing halt, and the mess would not be easy to clean up--the exact opposite of the smooth wedding that was taking place.
  
  "maybe everything is okay.  maybe i'm just nervous and can't remember.  maybe she's really hot.  maybe we get along really really well.  there's no way i could have fallen into this without even knowing who she is, right?  everything happens for a reason.  plus, my friends never objected..."  i decide to venture forth, while time still remains, to find out who my future life partner will be.
  
  the locale is even busier than before.  a few faces pass me by, each one more excited than the last to see me "finally" married off.  "she must be a wonderful girl."  yeah, thanks.  that helps.
  
  i make my way over to the main hall where the ceremony itself is to take place.  not everyone has taken their seats yet, but the room is still packed.  i scan the hall, hoping to catch a glimpse of the bride or anyone else that might jog my memory.  instead i am met with the confused glances of the audience.  all of whom i do not recognize.  "must be the bride's side," i think to myself.
  
  time is running out.  this isn't going to work.  i have to make a decision quick.
  
  i could stop the wedding.  but then a lot of people would be pissed off.  a lot of friends have spent a lot of money and traveled long distances for this.  a lot of people were looking forward to this.  not to mention my "fiancee," whoever she is.  her father is probably going to murder me.  and i don't think i could bring myself to explain why i had to stop the wedding either.  everybody would think i'm a fool.  "who casually agrees to get married without even meeting the other person once?" they would say.  "who would just sleep on it and not do anything about it till the wedding day?"
  
  or i could just get married.  it'd be a picture perfect wedding.  everything's set.  everybody will be happy.  they will come and see exactly what they were expecting.  nobody has to know how i got to where i am today.  that i screwed up big time.  that i agreed to marry someone i had never met before.  i just have to live with it for the rest of my life.  it can't be that bad, right?  maybe she really is the perfect one for me.  and if she isn't... well i could learn to love her.
  
  the clock is ticking.  every moment spent deliberating is lost to reason.  i can't believe it.  but there were too many people coming in today with smiles on their faces.  too many people that were looking forward to this.  too many... expectations.......... i guess i've decided.  i hope she's pretty.
  
  i need to find somebody... anybody... if i'm going to go through with this marriage, i need to at least confess what really happened.  maybe get some advice while i'm at it.  but who can i tell?
  
  i push myself forward through the crowd, looking for any faces that i can recognize.  suits and ties surround me.  cocktail drinks, hors d'ouveres... man, this is a fancy wedding.  i am impressed, future wife.
  
  somebody.  anybody.  find me please.
  
  i've never been happier to see one of my old leaders, daniel jung.  "congrats eddy!  you finally did it."
  
  "come with me.  please.  i have to tell you something."  i quickly drag him to an empty corner as he goofily grins with a martini in his right hand and some stuffed mushroom in his left.
  
  "daniel... i have to tell you something.  this marriage... it's not what you think."
  
  suddenly, mr. sungwoo park comes rolling in.  literally.  he's on a wheelchair.  "hey buddy, how are you doing?  ready for your big day?  jahsik, can't believe you went before me.  so what are you talking about?"
  
  i couldn't bring myself to tell him.  i didn't want to.  i guess i felt too ashamed.
  
  then justin lee shows up, along with his wife, esther.  "hey, congrats!  she's a lucky one, that's for sure."
  
  what the heck, i'm running out of time, i can trust these guys.  i get ready to explain.  that, quite frankly, i don't even know who my wife-to-be is.  i don't know her name.  i don't know her face.  i don't know her personality.  i don't know how old she is.  i don't know her family.  i don't know half the people in this room.  i don't know what i'm doing here.  i don't know how i got he... well, i do know how i got here.  but i didn't like it.  and here i was, minutes away from what was probably the biggest decision of my life.
  
  "so... what do you guys think?  should i go through with it?  i know it's a crazy story, and i know i screwed up big time... but what should i do?  i'm running out of time here."
  
  "you don't have to do anything.  it's just a dream."
  
  WHAT?!?  a wave of relief floods my soul and mind.
  
  i wake up to darkness.  "must be 4am or so... what am i going to do until work starts?"
  i gather my senses.  clock blinking 11:52pm.  dangit.  now what am i gonna do the rest of the night?
  
  -------------
  
  the point of the dream?
  i think i care too much about how others feel.  and not enough about myself.
  that, and i'm lazy.
  and i don't get why sung was in a wheelchair.
  
  a bunch of people have been telling me it's time to get married.  i got that today at church as well.  i think that's what spurred the dream.  that, and food coma from sushi.
  
  i tried to convey the dream as best as i could.  the words above fail to capture the dramatic overtures and the incessant heart-pounding nature of the dream.  i thought i was going to die.
  
  [edit] as far as i can remember, i really did not want to go through with the wedding.  i don't think it was a "i'm ready to get married, who am i gonna marry" type of thing.  it was more of a "i can't believe i was so lazy i got myself into this mess, and i don't want to marry someone i don't know.  but at the same time i don't want to admit that i messed up and waste the time and money of others because of my mistake (or lack of initiative to stop the engagement earlier).  so i might be willing to live with my mistake just to look okay in front of others."
  

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